“If there’s anyone you can trust, it’s my mom. For real!” my son, Micah, said to his friend when we were seated around the dinner table and a touchy subject came up.

I will admit, I was holding back tears.

While I am staring down the barrel of an empty nest, I have been pondering my parenting choices along the way. I have made a lot of mistakes in parenting, more than I care to think about, but both of my kids have expressed sentiments like the one above recently–letting me know that I have earned their trust.

While I have been an inattentive mom at times–working a distracting “side hustle,” binging a TV show, or researching the latest societal downfall–I have always tried to show an interest in what matters to my kids. Mind you, it has not always been interesting to me, but if it was important to them, I tried to care about it.

Building Trust Requires Intentionality

I have found the best way to be intentional about listening to my kids, even when the topic is, dare I say it, boring, is to be proactive. I have to decide ahead of time that they will come first. When I am busy during my day, and my kids require my attention, they are not an interruption because they are my priority.

I have sat through long discussions about Minecraft and watched a million Fortnight dances. I have learned the ins and outs of baseball and horseback riding. I have listened to convoluted stories about a joke or the most recent unfolding friend drama. I have sympathized with disappointments and mourned lost friendships.

I have also celebrated their victories: cantering on a horse, medaling in a jiu jitsu tournament, and passing the hard test. I have shared their excitement as they have learned something new or have overcome a hurdle.

And as we have experienced these things together, we have grown–as a family, in our spiritual walks, and in maturity–together.

Being attentive does not mean there are no boundaries. It does not mean they can interrupt willy-nilly and never be corrected for it. Taking the time to explain the boundaries instead of just brushing them aside when they interrupt at an inappropriate time is attentiveness. While we should absolutely teach our children when it is appropriate to interrupt and when they need to wait, we should make an effort to prevent their feeling like an imposition on our time or a burden we have to deal with.

Attentiveness Has a Compounding Effect

If you choose to be attentive to your kids and make them the priority, it will require a long-term commitment on your part. And you will make mistakes. There will be times when you will lash out because the incessant interruptions have kept you from accomplishing your goals. But there will also be times when your children will see you physically set your work aside to give them your undivided attention.

Little by little, story after story, you will strengthen their trust in you. You will share inside jokes and find yourself carrying on conversations you never imagined. You will see things or hear things when you are alone that will bring a smile to your face–you might even find yourself taking a quick picture of something because it made you think of one of your children, and you want to share it with him or her.

And here is a bonus tip: when you do mess up and lose your cool or break their trust, a heart-felt apology, admitting you were wrong, and asking for forgiveness will go a long way to fortifying your relationships with them.

It Teaches Us Important Lessons

I have learned so much from my kids! Listening to their stories, guiding them through life lessons, and giggling with them over silly jokes has taught me not just about their interests and personalities, but also about myself.

Yes, I have learned about baseball, jiu jitsu, cheerleading, and horseback riding. I’ve learned things about astronomy and biology I never learned in school. I have learned what my kids like, what they avoid, and what they long for. 

I have also learned how much responsibility they can handle and how much they can juggle at one time. It has allowed me to let go when I need to and taught me when to step in to manage a sticky situation. 

One of the most important things I have learned about them is to read what is coming. Often, I have been able to discern an imminent frustration, stressor, or meltdown, and as a result, I have been able to prevent it, minimize it, or at least be prepared to manage it. I have learned to read the signs and adjust accordingly.

But I have not just learned about them by being attentive. I have also learned about myself through them.

I’m a pretty straight-laced person; a rule follower and risk avoider. But my kids have taught me to take risks and try new things. In the process, I’ve discovered some things I really enjoy that I would not have known otherwise. They have pulled me out of my shell in more than one area of my life. And they did this, not by threatening or by manipulating, but simply by allowing me to get to know them and the things they enjoy.

I have also recognized some of their stresses, frustrations, and sins in myself. I can see where they picked them up, and I realize when I need to repent. My children have been an integral part of my sanctification. It is always fun (she said sarcastically) when they parrot back your own advice as they see you struggling with an issue they know well. At least you know they are listening!

I hope you have picked up on the fact that attentiveness requires you to spend time with your kids. They cannot trust someone they do not know, so it is vital that you make the time. While trust building through attentiveness takes intentionality, commitment, and teachability, hearing your kids express that they trust you definitely makes it all worth it! Attentiveness does not just grow your children’s trust in you, it also grows your trust in them. It creates a bond that will hopefully last long into adulthood.

*This post was originally published in issue 7 of the Learning Well Journal.To read more articles from the Learning Well Journal, subscribe to the magazine here.

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